Recently I have been struggling with guilt and shame for quite a few days now, over something that I did DAYS ago. My wonderful Mother has been trying to help me and love me. She has been giving me her wonderful wisdom and knowledge too. My own mother probably knows more about me than I do honestly. I struggle so much when it comes to making mistakes. I know that probably sounds strange because obviously when you make any mistake you obviously have messed up and struggled with whatever you've done or are doing. Here's what I'm really trying to say, when I mess up in ANY way I beat myself up and start acting kind of depressive like because I think I've ruined SO much! I am a very dramatic person and things are in extremes as my mother would say "You live in extreme's." It's completely true though! I don't want to live that way though. I want to overcome my problems and the things that hold me down in life. Just today my mother had a conversation with me about repenting, forgiving and moving on with life. You see, when I see my mistakes (which I DO A LOT) I feel like I've ruined my life and there's nothing else I can do. Once my mom had told me how to repent, forgive and move on, she also said that I am a very passionate person and that is a good thing. She said "God has shaped you and made you into a beautiful woman...Sometimes you're so passionate that it can become intimidating to other people...you have a beautiful heart, you love others and God has really changed you and made you JUST THE WAY He wants you to be..."
I am one of those people that likes to be praised for what I do and what I have done. It makes me feel good. I know that that is a weakness of mine. My mom also said "You are a wonderful person, you just have some rough edges that need to be smoothed out." I HATE making mistakes. I want to be JUST LIKE JESUS SO BAD that when I make a mistake it makes me get a little depressed. I have learned and am continuing to learn and grow in the knowledge that in my weakness, God is made perfect. If I was perfect, I would have no need for Jesus. If I was a complete heathen and didn't care anything about God and didn't care about NOTHING that wouldn't be good either because I would never change, but since I want and try (with God's help and guidance and love in my life) to change and live my life for Jesus, He is able to change me and make me into who HE wants me to be. I am not perfect, but I am not a quitter, when I am committed to something I will NOT stop! I wanted you to read a letter that my Mother wrote to me 2 years ago for Valentines Day. I keep it by my bed to remember. :) Here it it:
"Traci,
'He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.' Revelation 21:4
'Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.' Philipians 1:6
What a beautiful young lady you have become, both inside and out. God's love radiates from your being. I don't say enough how proud I am; your heart is pure, your faithfulness undying, your passion inspiring, and your joy infectious. The purity of your heart puts God first in everything you do. Even if your response is questionable, it usually stems from a righteous motive. The pureness of your heart directs you in your faith. Belief for you is strong - in God and in others which can at times make you vulnerable to hurt due to other people's failures. Keep your faith in God supremely - He won't fail you even when others do. Just as your faithfulness perseveres, so your passion will light fires. Your passion will carry you places others can't go and open doors others can't open. I love your passion; it inspires me and sometimes intimidates me in its power. Though each of these God-given characteristics will do much in your life, the joy of God will be your strength. Keep smiling dear, keep getting excited over the little things in life. Keep watching for jet streams and letting them be proof of God's love to you for you are definitely loved - by God, by me, your father, your brothers, your friends and everyone you meet. I hear so much response from others of how special you are and how much they appreciate you. YOU ARE LOVED!
Happy Valentines Day Dear!
Mom"
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